+Dear, Internet+

To be honest never in my life actually I hate my parents, don’t you guys know that I moved to Australia because I want to runaway from my A Level exams ? Please don’t do this guys if you’re in highschool, I wanted to do arts so I went to foundations for art and design, afterwards I went to interior design about a year, I failed on my studio class, I’m so scared I move to International Business major. I’m not that smart for MCQ, but I do pretty well with my essays, but still the exams kind of my demons.

I actually skipped one of my exam this semester, because I was sick, my mum got snapped saying that I’m not ready, well its true, the problem is she said she is embarrassed because I applied for deferred exam. My relationship with my parents aren’t so smooth as it used to be, but I’m not really a speaker of my own either. I’m not close with my dad, but I’m trying to be, and try to forgive him. Sometimes I don’t even know what should I do with my life next.

That’s why I’m really never alone in the night time

I listen to music a lot of time because that’s the way that I fight my depression, I hate money for instance, because of my uncle’s drama. But again I think the stigma of loving this genre is still huge, people will be like “why would you like this kind of songs”, “hip hop isn’t real, life isn’t hip hop”, and I do get it, some people are just f*cking talented and making money out from it. And let me tell you that you shouldn’t listen to those sayings, because you’re the one that able to help yourself from this depression. Sometimes I feel like I don’t call my parents because they want to create this “perfect Indo-Chinese” girl. But I can’t…

Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

Our apartment in Melbourne was flooded, someone opened the water hydrant, 3 weeks ago, and our luggages were stolen. The thing is I told my brother to tell them about the procedures, and today she called me, and was like “why you don’t really like to answering the phone, what do you want ?!”..without telling anything those actually the real reason why I don’t want to have any conversations with anyone.

You used to say that I’d never be nothing without you
And I believe I’m striding the roads, I guess I can’t breathe

The day I knew that my oldest uncle didn’t has a job, it stressed me out I don’t want to be a burden for my family, my parents, I’m afraid to lose things that I grew up with, but at the same time my younger uncle was demanding with money to my parents. That year was 2016-ish, there was involvement with the police as well. People sometimes asking me “what are you stressing about”, “o you seems to laugh a lot”, “o you’re weird” I swallowed every single words that you guys threw at me. That moment I realised that its okay to be different, you don’t have to be sad, I left my love for money that year. I decided to become myself.

Just know that I was alright
And I was not afraid to die

I almost losing my faith after those failure, after those things going on with dad, it took time for me to recover. I found that through this rap music, because I feel like there is some freedom from it. They don’t judge by the cover, and they just able to say whatever they want to say, that’s the reason why I was inspired. I was in the middle of almost losing my faith but God, taking me back by giving an encouragement through music, but still people judge me and thought my music story isn’t true.

You feel like you got a chip on your shoulder
Until you finally get the memo, you will always feel that way

To be honest with everyone, everytime someone mad at me, they’ll asked “what did you do ?”, “did you make something useful, are you useful”, when I answered no, they’ll get mad at me even more. Sometimes I just want to shut myself, and stay by myself, they’ll say I don’t have a friend, and it makes me look pitiful. Problem is you’ll be pitiful, when you think you, yourself is pitiful, but I never find myself that way. People thought my story is a joke, but I think its unique, I found myself when I listened to this type of songs. I do hope in the future people will change their minds toward kids/youngsters like us.

Cause this enemy is too much for me
And this flesh and world is triple teaming me
It seems to be the very end I scream please oh please pass this cup from me!

I do hope that I should change myself, and I hope I’m not going to be a burden, but at the same time I hope someone will understand that I’m a human too, and I could be stressed over thing that’s not even so related to me… 🙂 And I hope people don’t easily judged, when I told people about the story of how I got back to God, its a real story I don’t make fun of it.

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