trying to fit in

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I have no idea at this moment, there’s a constant battle inside my head that’s screaming negatively about myself, maybe from the outside I’m so happy, but its not. I do have problems that not everybody knows about it, or I just not able to openly talk about it.I’m so scared to fail in my life, what I’ve seen is that I don’t want to be the burden to my parents. To be honest seeing artists like Khalid, Billie Eilish, and athletes like Dele Alli, making me looks like sh*t. I was like dude at my 20s I’m still dependent on my parents, and I want to be independent and be free doing things that I really like.

Doctor says that I’m so lonely
A mistake on the painting of my family

Sometimes there are times when our family got a dinner with family’s friend and suddenly I just didn’t fit anymore. Or after the dinner time, there are some comments that makes me looks like an alien on the family. To be honest I never really asked to be like this me, but I do want to be like the other girls that I think they’re perfect, and they’re the ultimate goal for a girl criteria.

Maybe from all the money we made razorblade stores
Rent a race horse and force a sponsor

I don’t think that I’m emo, but the thing is there are some times that people often think that I’m a loner, no friends, and they put pity on me, but the thing is I have such a f*cking amazing day, and if I got someone to accompany me during the day that would be awesome. To all the single people out there its okay to go out to a concert by yourself, yup I’ve tried it when I went to Kendrick Lamar’s concert and that’s dope.

Baby, I’m just soggy from the chemo
I’m counting down the days to go

There are times where I’m asking God why would He put me into this world, when He knew that things will happen to me. Well sometimes I do mad, and I do grateful at the same time, because I understand the pain in the world. And I think I do understand the process that to be someone you need some sacrifice sometimes, and you can’t force anyone to love you.

Once I was seven years old my momma told me
Go make yourself some friends or you’ll be lonely

This is what my mum always telling me, I’m so thankful for her concern but she must understand that I really didn’t fit, and when I’m trying too hard it became more awkward to make friends. Sometimes I’m so sad because seeing the other girls liking the similar stuffs, and being enjoying themselves seem so fun to me. I’m interested with another dimension (race issues, gang related problems and how to solve it, and crime investigations).

Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold

This is the song that I listened to ages ago, during my rock era, rap rock to be more specific. I still listen to those songs, but its just reminds me how the situation that I’m in right now. There are things that I can’t let go yet, and its still added with the similar problems, the wounds that’s not yet healed just opens up and hurt even worst. Sometimes I thought “OMG..I’m the most pittiest person alive” but re thinking about it, its not true at all…

I’m young and I’m foolish, I made bad decisions
I block out the news, turn my back on religion

I’ve been contemplating a lot with my religion, its a sensitive things to talk about, and to talk about it my mum clearly spoken it by herself that’s its not the topic that she would love to discuss about. I’ve been thinking that I’m not going to change my religion, however the people surrounds me are not making me comfortable with who I am. If you asking me why, there are some people who just basically using the advantage of certain things, and I don’t think it matches the way the religion taught them. The thing is any religion will be good if you really into it, and I just don’t like when people are judging, its very sensitive to me.

You used to say that I’d never be
Nothin’ without you, and I’d believe

This song is so personal to me, after all the words that threw on me, sometimes I believe that it will happening to me, and I keep telling myself that I’m worth enough to live. I mean I’m trying to be happy inside and out, the thing is I always have no confidence with myself. My mum always had my back but sometimes I don’t think its works, I just want to say to her that I’m okay, and I’ll try to fight this nightmare by myself. To be honest after what my dad did, every time he criticised something its just making me so mad, with no control.

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